I paint because I feel like you don’t want to listen to me talk anymore. At least when you look at my work you can look on in silence.
I paint because when I speak, I often feel misunderstood and then I begin to doubt my voice. At least when I paint, there are no words for you to misinterpret.
I paint because when I cry, you think I’m faking it and you don’t care. Ouch. You don't care. At least when I paint, the colours can both reveal and hide how I feel, whether you care or not.
I paint because the canvas doesn’t judge me.
I paint because somebody somewhere understands me, no words necessary.
I paint because sometimes it feels like it’s all I have.
I paint because I can be vulnerable without fear.
I paint because it heals the past and paves the way for my future.
I paint because I can be me, the most authentic version of myself, and not be scared.
I paint because I can.
I paint for you in hopes that you'll see me
I paint for me.
Why do you paint?
Once upon a time I didn't love myself.
I didn't want to leave the house.
I didn't want to socialize.
I didn't want to eat.
I didn't want to exist.
All of that invisible pain felt unbearable. Wouldn't it just be easier to disappear? No one would even notice, right?
With an invisible illness it can feel hard to accept the fact that something is not quite right because, well, you look fine. If you can't see it, why believe it?
But then all that was invisible came to the surface and I wanted to hide away even more because all of my feelings and thoughts still did not feel justified - as if our feelings ever need to be justified.
This is still my reality some days, but I no longer live in a world devoid of hope. Why? Because I started to talk about my problems and little by little, I felt a bit more comfortable in my own skin. First in therapy rooms and then openly with close friends and family.
Now, I know that I am so much more than a mental illness and my hope is that all my students will know the same of themselves.
That being said, usually I just let my paintings speak for me. I like to hide behind my canvases because I, at times, fear being truly seen. When you spend so many years hiding and trying to disappear, coming to terms with being visible is not as easy as clicking your heels together. No matter how much time passes, this will never be a simple conversation, but it is an important one to have. My main concerns now rest in a lingering fear that someone will misinterpret my experiences as a weakness and view it as something that might resurface at any time and derail my productivity.
For six years of my life, I lived under these three umbrella terms synonymous with mental illness: Anxiety, Depression, Anorexia.
I let these words define who I was for so long. They sat on my shoulders, like vultures, feasting on my broken self and making me smaller.
Today, I proudly accept these terms as a part of my identity, but not all of it.
I know that I am no longer strictly defined by these words. Words only have the power you lend to them, so give with caution.
So how do we keep the conversation going? How can we relieve the stigma?
I paint and I write. I talk and I fight for what I believe in - I hope you do too.
This is how I remember all of those yesterday’s:
The control I believed I had once
Filled me to the brim,
More, more, more of
Less, less, less,
That’s what it took to win.
Until my tiny vessel overflowed with emptiness
And purging felt like a sin.
The lack of control over my perceived power
Dictated my every move.
It took all of my energy not to give in
or even worse, to lose.
I was restricted, my mind was wrought,
Until the only food that was left was thought.
Anxiety set in.
Endless hospital visits.
Too much sleep.
Not enough sleep.
The life I was living became a losing game.
And it never truly goes away.
We discuss and we eat,
But brittle bones are forever,
And they hurt when they rub against bed sheets.
Weakened organs are unpredictable
And dry, thinned hair is inevitable,
And self love seems impossible,
And socializing seems pointless,
And carbs feel reckless,
We cling to it.
Purpose, we need it.
Love, we thrive on it.
These abstract concepts become our medicine.
Goals beyond the scale.
A reason to step off of our lonely island
And swim against the current to shore.
You are worth the love you don't think you deserve and the support you don't think you have.
I believe you.
Let's heal together.
With the 2017 school year now in the books, I can finally bask in the glory of vacation, even though I'm already missing the classroom (I know, I'm nuts).
When years come to a close, there is a trend of recounting all of the accomplished goals or milestones set throughout the year, but I’m not going to sit here and reflect on all of the good and bad of 2017. I have mixed feelings about reflecting on achieving shallow, society driven goals or the many new things I tried and succeeded or failed at doing throughout the year. Do you care? Does it impact you? Not at all (hopefully). And I’m not sitting here pretending that my words can shape anything but my own interpretation of things as they were and are. I will do a private personal self-reflection, reviewing the highs and lows of 2017, but what can I take away from it other than that it’s now the past and I’m a product of these choices so I might as well just hang out here in the present?
Upon reflection, if I know that I’m pushing myself out of my comfort zone, working hard on a daily basis to better myself in a variety of ways, putting in a consistent effort to maintain and build new relationships, then that should be enough, no? Or admitting to prioritizing naps over human interaction some days, or bailing on engagements because I wanted to be alone, or not following through on promises all of the time. I’m human. We are human. Life happens.
If we can’t accept our triumphs without summarizing them, sharing them, dare I say bragging about them, then something seems off centre. Our world is driven by immediate satisfaction and we can’t seem to stay too long in our own company without philosophizing about all of the things our brain has come up with and how we must share this immediately or risk not being acknowledged for our interesting thoughts.
Do things for you, not for your followers or friends. Take pride in knowing that waking up every day and getting through those 24 hours in one piece is enough. The books you’ve read, the drinks and food you’ve consumed, the places you’ve gone, the jobs you’ve worked, the passions you’ve pursued, all of these things mean nothing if you can’t find that place deep within yourself where you are utterly content knowing that you worked hard today and didn’t rely on others to feel like you were good enough.
In an age of over-sharing, in which we are all no doubt guilty, it’s important to remember that time can be given to things without seeking the reassurance of others. Maybe that could be a goal for 2018: make a list, and keep it to yourself. Hold yourself accountable. Keep chasing your dreams, make bold moves towards self-improvement and prioritize happiness, but know that you can find contentment without the validation of others. You are so much more than that.
2017 was what you made of it.
2018, you’ll get what you put into it.
Success is possible. Failure is inevitable. And the world keeps spinning either way.
People have asked me how long it usually takes me to complete a painting. My usual answer is, "it depends," but I'm not too sure what it depends on, aside from how I am feeling. Truthfully, this feels like a loaded question, one that is impossible to answer because I've never considered the role of time in my creative process. Things just kind of pour out at their own pace. Minutes turn into hours without me being cognitively aware. It’s like magic. Why tamper that by framing it with time?
How long does it take you to do what you love? Do you care? Does it matter?
Time as it stands is indefinite. Once applied to our lives, it suddenly feels calculated and restrictive. It is somehow manipulated into this all-consuming, life controlling dictator. To me, time spent painting is immeasurable and I want to keep that pure, limitless feeling alive, no ticks or tocks guiding my brush.
If only the ebbs of time receded with less haste in all aspects of our daily lives. If only the minutes flowed smoothly into each hour without eagerly anticipating the set stroke of freedom or the dreaded morning alarm. If only the clocks had less power. If only…
I’m grateful that there is not time restriction when it comes to artistic expression. Whether it’s immediate or a bit more languid, I know that I aim to please no one. My sole intention is to explore this compulsive need to express emotions and I don't need a stopwatch keeping track of my hours committed to the canvas.
Who cares, right?
It’s never a question of "how long will it take me to get this idea down?" or “when will I find time to paint?” but more of a “when will the moment strike and how will I seize it?”
Your time is valuable. Don’t waste another second watching the minutes drift into oblivion.
There is a reason I tend to choose abstract painting as my main mode of expression: because I don’t have to articulate what I’m trying to say. Who cares, right? The point is for the viewer to feel something. Once I release my work into the world, I can’t reclaim the original sentiments. I know what I felt when creating it, but overtime the certainty of my motivation fades and now the colours rely on the eyes of others to attach value.
But, I’ve made the attempt to seek out language to accurately convey the odd thought process that can sometimes occurs when I put paint down.
Everything starts in the same spot: what feels like me noiselessly screaming. These hushed sounds come out as red, and then an onset of horrific body shaking, fall-to-my-knees tears trickle down as blue, turning purple when it meets my soundless cry on the canvas. The intersection is a brief moment of clarity, joy if you will, where I don’t feel like my skin is crawling and my mind isn’t distracted by things out of my control. In an instant, my forceful thoughts are abstracted, stretching out across a flat visible surface; it’s all proof that those floating indefinite emotions and unclear recollections are factual. I then add white, almost in an attempt to erase the truth because who would believe me? White. Not symbolic of a clear head or heart, more so a lack of veracity. I suddenly feel dishonest and want to cover-up the mess I’ve made. These brush strokes, it’s me feeling like am empty vessel traipsing the Earth in search of meaning. Then, a splash of orange because it makes me smile and why not add on a cool off green hue, because in that soothing colour my centre holds firm. It brings me back down, grounding my senses in reality, and I no longer feel shame.
Finally, gold, because I want to believe that it does not have to go.
It is hard to revisit the past when you have worked so hard to mentally and emotionally distance yourself from it. I would like to think that even physically I am disconnected from every yesterday I have ever lived and I guess on the calendar I am. I can never physically revisit all of those yesterdays, but there are still traces of each setting sun that nestle deep into my skin, penetrating my bones. My thinned hair is a reminder of days past, my sallow skin and my aching bones can never fully recover from the torment they went through. It’s hard to explain pain, even hard to describe invisible ailments that strangers interpret as self-inflicted, and even more difficult to put into words the intangible forces that sit at the steering wheel in your mind for so long, taking you down unlit roads you and around sharp corners, all in an effort to thwart your efforts to push through, to prove you can beat this pain on your own.
I feel quite detached from the woman I was six years ago when I was at one of the peaks in illness, even two years ago when I officially sought professional help. Though my pain was still invisible back then, the effects were difficult to cover up.
It was about control. It was about something beyond my feeble minds comprehension. I still struggle talking about it, but I was anorexic, I had anxiety, I had depression, and I could barely get through the day. To be clear, these labels will never leave me, they will always be a part of my identity, but their control will not manifest the way they once did. Back then, night couldn’t come fast enough so I could go to sleep without having to explain myself. I would fall asleep each night with a promise to myself that tomorrow I would get help, tomorrow I would do better. So many tomorrows came and went and each day it would still take me four hours to eat an essentially calorie free meal. I avoided all social situations that involved food. I ate alone in my room. I went to the gym every day at 6am like clockwork, then promptly took a nap after my 8:30 am class. I don’t know how I lived like this. It seems like an impossible nightmare when I reflect back on those years. I treated myself with such disdain. There was nothing to love there, the mirror mocked me, and I tried so desperately to disappear. My hair fell out, my skin was dry and lifeless, my hips protruded and bruised, my nails broke off, my wrists were too weak to hold anything heavier than a pen, I look like I was made up of only sharp edges, and yet my mind convinced me that this was good, that this was the way of life I deserved. It was like Groundhog Day and I just couldn’t figure out how to move forward. Countless trips to the hospital could not convince me to eat and I still cannot pin point the exact moment things started to change, but I’m thankful they did.
My memories of these day are not solid, they are loose abstract formations that attach and detach themselves to create new narratives each time I try to remember. The past is hard to revisit if you cannot recall things clearly. It’s painful to think that I hated myself so much and that until 2016 I still had the same impressions of my self-worth.
I still feel like this isn’t worth talking about sometimes. I mean, who cares? There is this sense of guilt that trails you when you suffer silently for so long. You convince yourself that the voices in your head are right and that if you talk about your pain no one will believe you. They will think you just want attention. They will shut you down, turn their backs, and tell you to just get over it or else they will give you something ‘real’ to be sad about, because your current emotions are not rooted in anything visible and so they must be fake. You are a fraud. Get over yourself.
But that isn’t every day. Just some days. I know that everything I felt was real. I can still sense those urges trying to fight their way to the surface. When it feels like another creature is trying to escape through your skin and you start scratching yourself until you bleed or ripping out your hair and ripping off all your nails because the pain feels so inconceivable that you just need to distract yourself with anything. Hurting yourself always seems like the best option because they the pain becomes visible and you can see where it is coming from, only then you suddenly feel ashamed and try to hide it because maybe your pain will warrant unwanted attention, attention you don’t naturally seek but your body is screaming for it. I hate that pain used to be my way out. I hate that restricting food and killing my body used to be my way out. I hate that crying myself to sleep used to be my way out. BUT today these pains no longer manifest in self-harm and I am so thankful.
I am so happy that these are no longer options and that creating beautiful things and smiling all day is my reality. Maybe you can relate to this sense of defeat and triumph. If you do, I want you to know that your day of shining clarity will come and you’ll be oh so grateful to have stuck around to bask in its glory.
You know that scene in "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade" where Indy is attempting to get to the Holy Grail only he has to prove his faith in a higher power before entering by stepping blindly out off the edge of a cliff, hoping his belief is strong enough to create a path? Sometimes I feel like that only my belief in myself isn't strong enough and when I step off the edge I plummet to my untimely figurative demise. Then there are times where I feel like I'm navigating a tight rope (finally a tangible I can work with!) suspended between two mountains, only I have no cushy pile of softness to break my fall if I were to lose my balance.
Balance. There are a handful of definitions, yet none seem to accurately describe our daily pursuit to not lose track of ourselves amidst the trials and tribulations of daily life.
Losing our somewhat unclear grasp of that work/life balance is stressful because there is no one-size-fits-all guide for stability. I tend to feel an overwhelming influx of emotions when I'm presented two paths for my day and I know that whichever one I venture down, guilt will be trailing tightly behind. Can we really have it all? Meaningful work, a family, a social life, time for ourselves, time to give back to others?
So, how can we maintain our footing even when guilt or anxiety or depression clings to our minds?
I tend to favour the P's: perspective, positivity, priority, and being present.
Taking a positive and pragmatic outlook on life. Knowing that I'm fortunate enough to be able to pursue both of my passions on a daily basis because I prioritize them. I'm comforted by the fact that I've found not one but two career paths that I can commit myself to and actually feel rewarded at the end of the day. I don't ever wake up dreading work. I may wake up tired, I may sometimes wake up frustrated or anxious, guilt can sometimes linger, but when I put my day in perspective, I have only blessing to count and no pains to sulk about. I don't know how I got this lucky. I know that there are so many other individuals who are more qualified, maybe more dedicated to their work than I am, but I like to think I could challenge them on their level of passion. Even when exhaustion sets in and my eyes struggle to stay alert, I can't help but feel grateful for my tired state. Have you ever felt that? Gratitude in the present for being tired? Thankful for your day of labour? That concept was foreign to me five years ago. I now live for today, and today I'm prioritize positivity and not comparing the me today to my former self.
I get to do what I want to be doing every single day, and even though my teaching schedule can be demanding and takes away from the hours I would like to spend in front of a canvas, I've learned to maximize every minute I have with my paints. Whether it's five minutes or two hours, each second is a relaxed one. I feel no pressure to produce because I want to be here. I want to teach and I want to paint, and when you want something bad enough, your time management skills flourish.
What are you passionate about? How might your prioritize your time differently?
Know what you want out of life.
The opinions of others shouldn't sidetrack you or pull you from your focus in the now. You are capable of so much and I say that with first hand experience, scratching my way out of dark holes that dwelled on the past and the great what ifs. Corners that trapped me with my perceived shortcomings and lack of hope for a brighter tomorrow. Days and nights where I my strengths were blinded by my weaknesses and my passions seemed pointless.
Today is a beautiful one. Seize it!
Change is necessary,
Change is scary.
As an artist, I sometimes feel like I’m not allowed to change my style or alter my artistic output too drastically. Do you ever feel that way? As though you can’t evolve from who you are right now because maybe the changes will leave others questioning what you’re doing or why you’re doing it? Your identity ends up being questioned in a way that you feel uncomfortable with, or we assume as much anyway. It is quite foolish, I admit, to withhold change out of fear - this fear that I might disappoint others or perhaps lose them in my life all together.
Then again, this worry has no place in my life, and it has no place in yours either.
Yet, this fear tends to linger in the back of my mind and has me questioning myself on a daily basis.
The big what ifs.
What if I change and the whole world hates it?
What if I just actually suck?
what if what if what if...
These heavy what ifs sometimes make me contemplate throwing in the towel.
They’ll just move on from me and find something else. Something (someone) better.
Eventually (thankfully) I realized that this fear was rooted in the judgments of other people and not what I needed as an artist to feel fulfilled in my daily attempts to express myself. Fear should not hold me back from transforming into new versions of myself. I know deep down what I’m capable of and the sense of urgency I feel to try new things all of the time. I should not be making assumptions and pre-judging myself for others. That’s where the trouble rests, dormant until I throw some dirty paint water mixed with insecurity in its face.
Now, what changed my mind (finally)? Another artist.
It took going to see the Georgia O’Keeffe exhibit in Toronto to boost my confidence and reassure myself that change is good. Georgia, my fairy godmother, whispering in my ear as I glided through her eccentric exhibition. She gave me permission to evolve. I needed a female artist to stir the pot, to push me in a new direction, because I (insanely) saw myself in her (work). From all the landscapes to cityscapes, bones to flowers, sunrise to sunset, her career fearlessly evolved over the span of her lifetime and it would not have been the same had she simply painted the same mountain over and over again.
Looking at the work of an artist over his or her lifetime puts everything in perspective. There is a lifelong devotion to their craft that is inspiring and the commitment to themselves as artists, to follow their heart and not the audience. They knew their vision was bigger than themselves.
They were/are not one dimensional and for some reason this woke me up: I am more than the abstract artist I am right now. Tomorrow I will plant new seeds, they'll take root and grow into next year. Next year I will be different.
Don't allow fear, assumptions, and judgment hinder your growth.
Embrace change, assume less.
Common sense, right?
The truth is, most days I feel like a fraud, an imposter in the world of creativity, a real phony, and there is nothing I despise more than a lack of authenticity. Holden Caulfield would hate me. Sometimes I think I’ve shown up to the party uninvited and keep ducking behind corners, hiding in shadows and behind masks in order to remain undetected. I don’t want my cover to be blown! I really do like this little artsy party. I belong here, right?
I don’t like that I feel like a fake most days because I’m certain that it prevents me from ever really accepting any accomplishment as authentic and worth celebrating. I felt the same way in academia. I swear I tricked my professors into giving me good grades and those three degrees on my wall, total fluke! And the teaching job I’m about to commence in the fall? Witchcraft! Unfortunately, the excitement that accompanies each new conquest quickly vanishes the second my mind considers and questions my worthiness of them. Did I deserve that opportunity? I’m sure there are so many more qualified artists and educators out there who should be standing on the small platform I currently occupy. Sometimes I feel the urge to jump off and make space for those who lack phoniness and possess real talent. Then again, I like my little space I’ve carved out and I should very much like to stay here.
Do you ever feel like that as well? I don’t think I’m the only one.
It’s a vicious cycle whose frequency has thankfully diminished, replaced by more positive thinking. I’m obsessed with the happiness advantage and addicted to all of the benefits that come with a positive growth mindset. The main advantage being I’m now a little more comfortable accepting good things when they come. The road to happiness is not so hard to find after all, as long as our pursuit for success isn’t rooted in finding happiness attached to said success. Happiness comes before any reward, not the other way around. Crazy concept, I know, but it’s the truth. I’ve placed my faith in positive thinking and haven’t looked back. I know it sounds like I’m contradicting myself as I often question why and how I am standing here right now, but those questions lead to answers that confirm that my existence and my purpose in the world of art and education is no fluke. Every moment in my life, the good, the bad, and the ugly, have placed me here and I wouldn’t trade places with anyone.
I so much want everyone to feel that way as well. I want you to feel like you’re enough the way that you are, that you have purpose even if you feel as though you haven’t found it yet, that your life is worth living to the fullest. This is all coming from a genuine place. Hopefully I don’t sound trite, but seize your day before there are no days left. Get up with the sun and bask in its glory, tell your family and friends you love them, cuddle your cat or dog (or stuffed animal), work hard on your passion projects, don’t sweat the small stuff. I fear too many of us wait for tragedy to enter our circle of life before we reflect and make a change. You don’t need death to remind you that your heart is beating and your lungs are breathing.
Don’t wait for a new month or a new year.
Don’t put it off until tomorrow.
What are you doing today?
Today is what matters.
Being happy in this moment.
Not caught up in the what ifs of the unknown.
When we’re kids we think that nothing can stop us. We are essentially invincible to the perils of life and we carry that proudly on our shoulders. We can run and jump and stay up all night and then play in a basketball tournament with 5 games on a Saturday and still have the strength and energy to run around all day Sunday getting kicked in the shins on a soccer field. Unfortunately, my untouchable cloak has been lost somewhere and I’m trying to adjust to this slow recovery and accident prone reality I’m currently existing in.
I hurt my back painting. It was a slow gradual progression to a herniated disc, but still it was my paint posture that broke this camel's back. It’s hard to explain back pain if you’re never experienced it, so I won’t focus on the pain, but every simple action I took for granted on a daily basis and now no longer will.
Being able to put on anything below the belt like socks, shoes, pants, I just couldn’t do it without help.
Being able to sit.
Being able to stand.
Being able to walk (without holding onto a wall for support).
Being able to quickly move without thoroughly calculating my movements (getting out of bed felt like a chore).
Being able to laugh without crying from actual pain.
Having a shower wasn’t really an option for the first week.
Not being able to make my own food or drink copious amounts of coffee because I didn’t want to have to deal with going to the bathroom.
Having to eat while resting on my stomach.
Not being able to socialize because it involved sitting/standing/general movement.
I could not reach my cat's food to feed her and I couldn’t bend down to get her water dish.
Overall, just very dependent on others.
and I couldn’t paint.
I COULD NOT PAINT because all of my material was on the ground and I couldn’t bend to reach it.
I couldn’t paint because it required me to stand/sit/move.
I couldn’t paint because I’d need to get water and paper towels and paper and a paint palette and then I’d have to open my paints and mix them and put them on paper and then eventually clean my brushes which meant going back to the kitchen and standing there even longer hoping everything would clean themselves.
Suddenly this simple process of setting up and creating felt like torture. I went through these movements without second thought before and now suddenly it felt like a lengthy list of boxes I had to work through and check-off.
Once I accepted this as my reality until I healed, I had to prevent myself from falling into a bit of despair and self-pity. I would view this injury as a positive. I would manipulate it into something good while I rested in bed. But how? How could I hold on to that positive energy?
If I couldn’t paint then I could write, right? If I couldn’t paint, then I could plan out new ideas to work on once I was physically capable. I could read...oh so much reading.
Our bodies have limits, and sometimes our desires to push past them get the best of us. Pushing those limits can be fruitful, but there is also the risk of permanent damage if you keep pushing without properly healing.
What happens when we are physically held back from doing what we love? How do we adjust and not let our positive energy get flushed down into a negative dark tunnel.
I have to wrestle with this reality a few times a year when my body decides it can no longer sustain the wear and tear of everyday life. When I try to keep pushing, I risk irreparable damage, which ultimately puts any chances of a career at risk.
Without our health, it can sometimes feel like we have nothing. Even with a strong support system, our injuries can be isolating and inconsolable at times. Suddenly we are no longer invincible the way we felt as kids.
But do you know what does make me feel invincible?
Creating a world on paper and canvas that is authentically me.
Because as the wise Theodor Seuss Geisel once wrote:
“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”
I wouldn’t trade my beaten body for another. I wouldn’t want to be anyone but myself.
And no one can touch that. Invincible once more.